The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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