i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize