I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize