Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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