If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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