dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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