i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
