The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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