The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
