Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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