I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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