I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize