we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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