i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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