If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
