if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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