John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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