You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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