i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So here I am, sexting at work.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
