I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
