I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
