man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize