I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How naked do you want me to be?
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