I smell stomach acid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
