He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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