moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you never un-have a 4some
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
