Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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