walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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