woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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