Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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