Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
