Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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