Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
