Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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