shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
