VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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