and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just pee around me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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