dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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