Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude i'm inner monologue high
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
