Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i came on her dog
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
