I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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