I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize