smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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