Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
