She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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