This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
