I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We left an ass print on the piano.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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