I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sorry about my life...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
