I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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