Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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