Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
