Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
