how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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