I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
