Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
