The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
