I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
