I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
