Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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