i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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